Why did I do this?

'Why did I do this?' is a question I ask myself quite often. 'Why did I apply for another conference?, now I have to prepare a talk'. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy doing that, but it's also a lot of mental stress. What if someone at the conference dislikes anything im saying? But in particular I am asking myself why I made this website or whatever this is. I want to write about things that interest me or that I'm working on, like CoreData or recently AppIntents. But I am so scared of writing something bad that I never end up writing anything at all. My perfectionism is taking up so much space that I cannot find the air to breathe, it's simply killing all sort of prospect that I will ever finish writing something. So I've told myself 'yeah I'll just casually write down some thoughts I had whilst working on something and then that's a post'. But have you ever tried writing something causally with the intent of doing so? It just doesn't work for me. Maybe this will become more of a flow of my consciousness written down, but then, if I don't put much thought or effort into it; who would want to read that? Besides, not everything has to be on the internet. And I can train writing without publishing anything/everything I write. But then why would I put effort into writing anything at all, if I will never get feedback, I will not get better, it will just be different. And I don't want to write something down just for the pure sake of writing something down. I don't have the time for that and I don't want to put in the effort for doing so. (I do write things down, but not in a coherent writing style, more in bullet points.)

So why did I do this. The answer might be: I wanted to have a website where I could write things. I see other people that write things on the internet, and I admire that. I love reading someone else's thoughts on something, and I learn through reading what other people publish. And I want to contribute to that. But I dont want to write something that's pure 'content', I want to write something that's thoughtout and that helps someone, but that's just where I loop back into 'I don't want to write something that's bad' and this isn't getting me anywhere. And I will never know if it's bad before I've written it.

What I sometimes miss is Swift/Programming content in German. Most of it is in English, and my English isn't bad, but I would love to read something in my language. (There is German content, but I feel it's more difficult to find, as I search in English and just most blogs are in English.) So maybe I'll write something in German someday. I don't know. Writing in German is even more difficult I think, I have so much higher expectations, listening to texts from friends or from people like 'Bosetti' (who I can only recommend, her way with words is amazing me every time) or Torsten Sträter (whos absurd stories I love). Maybe in the end no one cares except that voice in my head that's scared that someone will say 'that's badly written' (or that I will later look back on it and say 'that was badly written'); it's funny, how I can be scared of getting feedback to improve on my current skills, whilst also being scared of improving. Maybe, this just isn't the right thing for me. I often think about Simone Giertz, she also talked about a fear of rejection, a fear of making something that's bad. Maybe I can get over this, I would certainly hope so. But until then I will continue asking myself 'Why did I do this?'.


PS: If I were to critiqe this text; I would say I used the word 'I' too many times.